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Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe!
Following on the heels of the best-selling book, The Truth, SECRETS is the continuing diary of a girl moving into her teen-age years. The Girl has plenty to fill her journal. The pages reveal a new school, a new baby in the family, new friends, a new guy and a new set of issues to face. Share the secret world of an almost-teen as she learns which secrets to share and which to keep to herself.
Download an excerpt of Secrets here.
THE TRUTH: I'm a Girl, I'm Smart and I Know Everything!
In the mothers' and daughters' version, this girl encapsulates the spark and energy that your daughter has inside of her, and that you had inside of yourself as a girl. It is this special capacity for fun and wisdom that we need to protect in our girls and get back to ourselves!
Let's rejoice in the girl inside of ourselves. Let's give courage and affirmation to our daughters and granddaughters so they know from the inside out, it is ok, in fact, essential to keep her alive, as they grow up.
GRANDPARENTS CAN BE CRITICAL TO THE SAFETY, HEALTH AND HAPPINESS OF GRANDKIDS
Sometimes, as a Grandparent, you may think you are dispensable. You are kidding yourself. Even grandparents that are visited once a year or even less frequently leave a remarkable imprint on a grandchild’s life and have an important role to play. We know some of the reasons why. For one thing, most grandparents give off a sense of love and adoration for the grandchild that few parents have the energy or interest to sustain. Also, grandparents are good at providing extra treats, often coming through with a special gift or the money for a science camp, a trip to Disneyland or some other experience in life that the parents simply can’t or don’t feel obliged to offer. Lastly, grandparents are so interesting. They may live in houses or apartments that feel from another time. For example, they still may have a record player in the closet with a bunch of rock and roll records on the shelf or maybe opera’s. It doesn’t matter, it is just so much not where the child lives every day. And the TV has a giant back to it! There are old pictures on the tables and somewhere in the back of a closet are white leather gloves that great grandma wore on her wedding day!
But even beyond what I am mentioning so far, grandparents have influence that can be critical. Grandparents have that extra pair of eyes that parents have often sacrificed in the line of daily duty and upkeep of the children. By this I mean that they come to the family and the kids, often with fresh eyes. As the newcomer who may not have visited for a week, or a year, they often immediately can tell when something is off. Parents can miss these subtleties. We know that human nature acclimates to an awful lot. A quick test of this innate quality is suddenly looking at pictures of yourself from a couple of years ago. Suddenly a current look in the mirror reflects aging or at least change. On a daily basis we don’t see change.
So when grandma or grandpa come to visit or you visit them and the smell a rat, listen with every fiber in your body.
And grandma, when Abigail slams the door and doesn’t seem quite right, get ready to put on your detective eyeglasses and play sleuth. You may be even instrumental in the saving of your grandchild’s life, or at least her sense of well-being.
You don’t believe me? Well, stay with me and we will discuss Seven Ways that Grandparents Can Help Their Grandchildren Grow up Strong, Safe and Happy!
Child and Teen Obesity and Eating Disorders are a National Issue That We Can Help, says Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Fiction writing has given me, a positive psychologist and educator, a way of providing self-help information and support to girls, tweens, teens and the adults in their lives. There are so many topics to tackle: bullying,family dysfunction, relocation, crushes and of course body issues. In The Truth Series, the girl faces and handles many of these issues. It is in the second book, Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe!, when she is 13, that she begins her own journey with how she perceives and handles her body. She becomes convinced that her derriere is too large and…But I’ll let you read that for yourself.
The important point is that I put theses episodes about body image into Secrets and some questions at the end of the book for further thought and discussion, because we have a National Epidemic going on. Between real obesity in children and the perception of being overweight, whether in fact true or not, that can lead to various forms of eating disorders, we have a big problem on our hands.
On television newscasters remark that movie theaters are losing money as they have to change the seats in the cinema to now be 21 inches wide, rather than 19 inches. This is but one tiny result of a culture that is having problems with eating throughout the lifespan.
Of course, as a psychologist and educator, I am on the front lines with tips and advice for you, so you can help your children grow up strong, resilient, confident of their self-image and themselves, not obese and without eating disorders. Let’s hope they can indeed, fit into cinema seats that don’t have to be widened.
Tips for Parents around Raising Strong Healthy Children, in both Mind and Body:
1. Praise your children for their positive actions, behaviors and words. Make it clear that their response to life as a good citizen and a loving family member is much more important than their looks or body type.
2. Don’t compare or judge people’s looks or bodies. Rather point out a person’s fine character trait or a good deed that a person has done. Your children are always listening to you and what you say, even if you think they are blocking you out! Your attitude very much influences how they will perceive others and themselves.
3. Show your children by your own eating habits, that you recognize the need for eating healthy foods. If you are out of control around certain foods and habits, what message is that sending to your kids?
4. Consider planting a small garden or learning more about the foods we eat with your children. This can be a fun activity like visiting a potato chip factory, or something more serious, like learning about the differences between organic farming and non-organic farming.
5. Cook up delicious meals, at least on occasion, and let the kids help. It can be fun to fine recipes together and shop for the ingredients as a family outing. Praise them for their help and don’t get caught up in the milk that spills or the egg that fell and cracked on the floor.
6. And of course, if you child is suddenly gaining or losing weight or showing any form of eating disorder, talk to her pediatrician immediately.
These are but a few suggestions. I bet you have some other suggestions. Please feel free to add your suggestions in a comment.
“Feeling Special and Talented are Gifts All of Us Deserve”, according to Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist and Author of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).
“I think everything I make is a master piece!” These words were spoken by Cecelia who is a fashion designer. What makes her particularly unique is that she is 10 years old. She has been designing since she was 6.
When I saw Cecelia on television a couple of months ago, talking about her passion, sewing her creations, and then saw other children wearing the clothing, I was amazed and impressed. It was fascinating to see her in a fabric store picking the fabrics for her clothing. She clutched a bolt of fabric, saying “I can’t live without that piece of fabric.” She now has Trunk shows in exclusive stores and is often busy sewing her clothing for other girls her age. Truthfully I loved her clothes and could even imagine liking them for myself in a big enough size. It is unusual to find people of any age so connected and centered to a passion. It is extremely unusual at 10.
Obviously Cecelia has been able to recognize and hold on to her talents and potential. And as they say, behind every great King is a great Queen. Well, behind Cecelia, must be parents who are guiding, encouraging and helping her with her talents.
What can Cecelia teach the rest of us? Certainly not that every kid must have a talent that makes them famous. Rather she reminds us all the living our dreams, doing what feels really significant to us, is a gift we should all try to get to at some point in our lives. Why? Because it makes us feel whole. We are useful to society and we thrive. These are but some of the good reasons. And how do we get there? And when?
These are big questions and not so easy to answer. But we do know that the ways we parents are critically important. Here are some guidelines:
1. Recognize and help your child to recognize her talents, strengths, coping skills, interests and of course potential.
2. Never say never to a dream of hers, (unless it is harmful). If she can’t take ice skating lessons this year because of money, leave the door open for next year. Help her figure out a way to make sure it happens by next year. Perhaps she can get a scholarship. Perhaps you can offer your services, whether making phone calls, or baking cookies or cleaning the waiting room for parents, in lieu of payment. Get on your thinking cap and try.
3. Bring interesting information and ideas into your household. Encourage good use of time. Collecting rocks or leaves or anything can lead to a science discussion or a fascination into the ways of nature. A family walk can be meaningful, healthy and leave everyone in a good mood. Always stay alert so you are opening your child’s mind and senses to the positive dimensions of being alive.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, author of Secrets: You Tell Me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe, comments on the New York Times article, Online Bullies Pull Schools Into the Fray
The girl in Secrets: You Tell me Yours and I’ll Tell You Mine…maybe! has to deal with a lot of stuff. She has to adjust to a new middle school, leaving behind all her friends. She has family problems and issues. No one really understands her and she worries about keeping her best friend. And on top of that she has a crush that seems to be going nowhere.
But one thing she doesn’t have to worry night and day about is serious and potentially dangerous bullying. That is because she lives thirty years ago, when many of us parents grew up. She lives with telephones and television. Can you remember those days? Remember when a tiny note rolled up and passed along in class could be devastating? Or someone changing tables in the cafeteria as you sat down could be a message that hurt for months? These sorts of events were awful and you may have cried yourself to sleep on several occasions.
But just magnify that by 1000 and you get closer to what today’s kids have to deal with. The New York Times article brilliantly outlines the typical nightmares that many kids of today face and also the difficulties that schools have in curbing much of it. After all, schools of today, just as 30 years ago, can’t control what happens after school or on the weekend.
As a psychologist and school psychologist I take very seriously what is happening to today’s kids. Parents and schools need to respond and act, not just react. Here are some tips for you as a parent:
You, as a parent, are on the front lines of your child’s development. That means:
Making yourself available to your child at meals, in the car, in the evening when possible, and on the weekends. Here is how:
Basic Rule: Don’t use cell phones, phones, or computers when your child is expecting and may need connection, help, advice or simply love from you.
Will this be a big change for you? Maybe. But it is essential. Research shows and we can figure this out for ourselves, kids don’t like it when their parents are only giving them partial concentration.
Ways to start: Don’t talk on your cell in the car anymore when your child is with you. Also, it will make you also a safer driver.
Don’t bring any cell phones, etc. to the dinner table with you.
Don’t answer the phone during mealtime, unless an emergency is going on.
Make sure you have meals with your kid at least three nights a week.
In the evening when kids need help with homework, etc. try reading a book or doing any project that you can instantly turn away from as you go in and out of their space.
Plan weekend time as a family. During that time, whether it is a picnic or visiting a relative, set aside only brief times when any of you can use technology. Try talking, laughing, telling jokes, reminiscing. These things have worked for centuries!
I’ll be back with more tips. Remember, the child you are protecting is your own! It is worth the effort.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist discusses our influence over the next generation, even when we think they are ignoring us!
Lots of times we forget how much influence, as our children or grandchildren can appear to ignore us, forget us or even worse–run from us in one way or another. But we really do have so much influence over the next generation. Sometimes, we must just accept the fact that lots of times positive actions happen without positive recognition! Therefore, it behooves us as the ‘grownups’ in our personal worlds to keep looking for ways to help the young ones experience good times, feel nurtured and loved and to walk away from situations just a little more one the road to developing as a whole person with a good sense of self. I can assure you that insistence on creating a meaningful world for our children does eventually pay off!
I’d like to share with you how Lorna did just that with her daughter Sabrina. Here is some of what she wrote to me:
‘Yesterday afternoon Sabrina, my six year old daughter, was helping me make Chinese sesame cookies for our church’s girls’ club. Sabrina attends weekly club meetings and is always happy to help me out with the snacks for club. These cookies needed to be rolled into little balls and then rolled into sesame seeds. The ‘seeding’ of the cookies was Sabrina’s job. We were halfway through the dough. She was rolling away. Suddenly she said to me without looking up, “This is great! I get to spend quality time with Daddy and now more time with you!”
She was referring to her Sunday evenings alone with her daddy. Sunday evenings at 5:30 pm, I leave and take my 9 year-old son to the boys club at church where I also help with snacks. During the time we are gone, Sabrina and her daddy have a tea party almost every Sunday evening. They turn the lights off, light the candles that I have usually in the center of the table, then boil water, and set the table. There is usually some kind of ‘tea cookie’ (like shortbread) in the pantry. They take those and then serve each other tea and cookies. Sometimes they act silly. e.g. Acting very aloof with flowery language or just simply talking about this and that.
Last Sunday evening I did not have to stay at club until it was over. I got home just in time for the tea party. Sabrina set me a spot at the table. She offered me sugar and cookies. We chatted. She acted a little silly. It was really cute and I was glad I got to peek in on what she and my husband usually do. After I had a couple sips, I slipped away to my office to check email so they could have their usual special time alone.’
Lorna, Sabrina’s mom, is describing such a wonderful activity that lends itself both to building self-esteem and to beautiful positive memories in the future. I can picture Sabrina sharing her tea parties with her daddy years later with her own children!
Even the smallest positive act can create such delight for a child and remain a wonderful memory for years later.
Exercise: Play Date with a Child in Your Life
Can you think of something special that you could offer a child in your life? You don’t have to be a parent or grandparent. You may know a child down the street, or a cousin or even a friend’s child. A special outing or treat can go a long way to bringing delight to a child.
I remember when my aunt Rose arrived at my cousin’s home with a surprise for me! It was a box in the shape of a treasure chest and it contained some perfume and soaps all designed for a little girl. I was thrilled and felt very special. I can still remember lovingly keeping my treasure chest and eventually filling it with other treasures after I had used all the soaps, lotions and bubble bath. Yes, this treasure chest did make me feel special, very feminine and created a great memory trace.
I know you will have fun with a play date. Keep us posted on what you do.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist and author of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is the radio guest on Chaklet Coffee Books.
I loved being on the Chaklet Coffee Books show. It is amazing how much fun we all had late at night! We got to discuss The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) in detail, and so many related subjects about parenting, growing up, having a crush, etc. It was so delightful to have a 10 year old girl also on the show who had read the book with her Grandma-just what I recommend!
Click link below to listen to show!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/chaklet-cof…
Welcome Changes Radio host Velma Gallant interviews exciting and dynamic guests such as New York Times best selling author, Neale Donald Walsch, Mike Dooley from “The Secret”, and Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein! Read what Dr. Barbara had to say about the show and listen to the show yourself!
Being a radio guest of Velma Gallant, the Queen of Joy, was a true treat. She is a marvelous radio host, who knows how to elicit from her guest so much information. I felt like my expertise as a positive psychologist and as an educator was just pouring out of me as we chatted about my book,girl, The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). It was a wonderful experience for me. I got to cover so many issues, including parenting, growing up and facing the storm of adolescence, the concept of resiliency and lots more. I even got to talk about about my first book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy.
I’m excited that you can listen to the podcast of our show together. Here is the link:http://recordings.talkshoe.com/TC-40777/TS-253960.mp3
Enjoy!
Why is The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) important reading for Girls and Their Moms?
The Truth helps girls see that they are not alone, by being able to so easily identify with the ‘girl’ who is sharing her most personal feelings and thoughts with them directly, via diary form. If Mom also reads The Truth and shares more of her thoughts and feelings while also listening to her daughter’s ‘real’ voice, than a family correction will be made and indeed, the girl will be less alone