The Holiday Season is beautiful and we all hold on to some precious memories that go with the season. But the Holiday Season is also stressful. As adults, we often live an exhausted life of lists and obligations that go with the season. For some women, particularly moms with children living at home, an exhausting month is finally finished off by little sleep and the patter of little feet very early on Christmas morning. Even for those of us that celebrate simply or observe other traditions, such as Chanakah, the frenzy builds. Nobody wants to forget someone they should have remembered with a card, a present or a phone call. And most of us have certain favorite foods that go with the season. That means extra calories, an outfit that suddenly doesn’t fit right, or the tug of war with the latest batch of Christmas cookies sitting in the kitchen. And we know who usually wins! (The Cookies)
What some of us forget is that the kids have stress also. Particularly in harder times, like now, kids worry about how the season will go down for them and often for their families. Kids hear, know and feel a lot more than we give them credit for. If your family is having money problems, whether you tell them or not, they are most likely aware of the problems. If you and your husband are in disagreement over how to do the holidays, even if you argue behind closed doors, your daughter will be aware of the tension. Some here are a couple of suggestions to lower the stress for your kids:
1. Have a honest, but not overly dramatic or discouraging talk about this year’s decisions around present giving. If everyone will be receiving, say half of what they got two years ago, be honest about it. Discuss this openly and maybe agree on what gifts are the most important for an older child or a teen. If say your daughter really wants an item that is twice what you can afford, see if there is a way to figure out the purchase. Perhaps it can be for both Christmas and her birthday, plus she can take on a chore in the family for a few months that may help you out or even cut some expenses for you.
2. Also, have an honest chat about what you will do and not do for the Holidays. If you are not buying a big tree this year, let them know early so they won’t be disappointed. Perhaps it is the year for a family evening of making home made decorations and stringing popcorn trim? That can be a lot of fun. Also, kids are very creative and if they know that a food budget for a big Christmas gathering must be slimmed down, they will come up with ideas to help do that. For example, they may be willing to bake or help you cook more from scratch, as that usually costs less than packaged foods.
In summary, the important thing kids need is to feel in the loop of making decisions about the Holidays and presents and that they have something of value to offer the family either in terms of ideas or actions.
If you can help them feel valuable and in the loop and make clear that you want a great Holiday also, you will find yourself under less stress and for sure you daughter will feel even better about herself than she expected!
Happy Holidays!
There really are different cognitive stages of growth. Here is an example of one that Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, positive psychologist remembers!
I remember standing on the playground at Stratfield School in Fairfield, Connecticut, as clear as if it’s yesterday. I can almost expect to walk up to the mirror and see the 9 year old girl in the mirror that was me. My hair was medium brown and wavy. I had on oxfords and high socks and a dress with a short jacket over it. It was cool but not freezing out. And I remember saying to myself, “I’m in fourth grade now, and my mind just seems to be working clearer. I understand things so much more easily. I know I am different than when I was in first, second, and third grades. I feel more grown up. I like the way my mind feels.”
As I look back now, I realize I felt and recognized some momentous change had happened in my cognitive functioning. And I can also say without hesitation that the result was a feeling of pleasure.
Even the smallest positive act can create such delight for a child and remain a wonderful memory for years later.
Exercise: Play Date with a Child in Your Life
Can you think of something special that you could offer a child in your life? You don’t have to be a parent or grandparent. You may know a child down the street, or a cousin or even a friend’s child. A special outing or treat can go a long way to bringing delight to a child.
I remember when my aunt Rose arrived at my cousin’s home with a surprise for me! It was a box in the shape of a treasure chest and it contained some perfume and soaps all designed for a little girl. I was thrilled and felt very special. I can still remember lovingly keeping my treasure chest and eventually filling it with other treasures after I had used all the soaps, lotions and bubble bath. Yes, this treasure chest did make me feel special, very feminine and created a great memory trace.
I know you will have fun with a play date. Keep us posted on what you do.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein at her Chinese Book Celebration Party
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, positive psychologist and author, speaking at the Norwalk Community College, fall 2008, at the annual Writer’s Conference.
HOW DID THE TRUTH (I’M A GIRL, I’M SMART AND I KNOW EVERYTHING) COME TO BE?
As a positive psychologist, a school psychologist and a former teacher, I began to think, how could I write a book that will spark just everyone? If you are a kid, a tween or a teen, you will feel understood and connected to this fictional girl. After all, she is like you. She thinks about many of the things you think about and she makes promises about what she will be like when she grows up, just like you do.
If you are a woman, it will make you want to dance with yourself and with your inner 10 year old and make her energies a part of yourself again.
If you are a mom, you will see your child in a much more profound light. You will want to help her hold on to her wisdom, wit, sense of competency and self-esteem
If you are a grandparent you will want your child and her child to read the book so that they will both have a chance to develop to their fullest and to stay communicating through all the tough years ahead.
If you are a teacher you will want girls to read the book so they will feel strong and resilient and see that they can hold on to the best of themselves!
So the character came alive. I felt a fictional diary was the way to go. The girl, as many fictional characters do, helped me write the book. She shared her frustrations and her competencies, and she even managed to solve a little around how she could hold on to the best of herself as she grew up. How she solved the mystery is so endearing, but I can’t give it away because I want you to read the book.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein talks about her Book “The Truth (I’m Girl I’m Smart and I Know Everything)” on “A Fresh Start with Sallie Felton”!
SUCCESS is Ninety-nine percent perspiration and one percent inspiration! Dr. Harry A. Becker, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein’s Dad taught her that!
Sometimes kids and adults forget how much resiliency and persistence we can really muster. Life is not always easy, but we can grow as we never give up. I was so lucky. I had a great mentor in my father. It is ten years since he died, actually on May 16th. So in memory of my dad and in the hopes of further inspiring all of you, here is one of the stories my Dad loved to tell, even when he was gravely ill and in the hospital.
When my father went to camp at age 12, he was voted: ·The laziest ·The least deserving. ·The least likely to succeed.
Perhaps this was because he was tall and placed with boys several years older than he. Ironically, he was probably the least lazy, the most deserving, and one of the most successful people I have ever known. My Dad was a loving husband, a loving father, and certainly a loving son. Beyond these roles and all of his connections with others, I believe he was an encourager of the human spirit. He was a realist who truly saw untapped potential in everyone who crossed his path–even me!
I remember him saying that persistence and perspiration would help me meet my goals. He loved to explain that most accomplishments are “Ninety-nine percent perspiration and one percent inspiration.” For example, when I was a teenager he would help me wake up at 5:00 AM if I had homework to finish. “Take a shower, have something to eat and then get back to task.” He was always there to ease my burden but not take it away. My responsibilities were my own to meet, not his. How could he be helpful but not do my job–Proofreading? Driving me to school late? Brainstorming a topic? He never however, did work for me–it was mine to do. Like all good teachers he never promised that he could remove my pain. He taught that I could live with the pain and get beyond it.
He was always my teacher. He taught me how to polish my shoes and to count my packages as I shopped so I would know how many things I had with me. Above all he taught me determination. Never give up. You can do it!
Finding Joy after Relationships Fail
Maureen states, “I didn’t want the book to end. I want to find to what happens to the girl!”
Come and listen to this lively conversation about the psychology behind The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).
Archives: Finding Joy after Relationships Fail with Maureen Staiano – Contact Talk Radio
Seven Gateways to Happiness For Girls-How Do We Help Our Girls Walk Through the Gateways to Happiness?
There are Seven Gateways to Happiness that we all need to walk through, in fact, we must walk through them again and again to attain true happiness. Why? Because although each is different, they all hang together. We can’t be complete without success in all seven. I’ve talked at great length about how as women, we best walk through these Gateways. In fact, you can download for free, off of the front page of www.enchantedself.com a paper that will take you through the Seven Gateways to Happiness. But what if you are a girl? Is it exactly the same? No it is not. Kids are different from grown-ups and so is the journey to happiness. Are parents essential in helping their kids walk through the Seven Gateways to Happiness? You bet! You are critical. So let’s take a look.
The first Gateway to Happiness is Recognizing the Best in Ourselves. Having good self-esteem is another way to put it. How can we help our kids recognize the best in themselves? Certainly not by criticizing them, nor putting them down, nor by talking about embarrassing things in front of other people. Certianly not by showing disappointment in their achievements, or evaluating them in comparison to other siblings or friends. To help kids, and in particular, girls, get through the first Gateway to Happiness we need to encourage their talents, their strengths, their coping skills and their potential. Sounds easy? Sometimes it is. But sometimes it is hard. What I would like to see as a strength in my child, may be what she is weak at.
So we need to learn how to discuss and communicate effectively with our daughters. For instance, I would like my daughther to be social and comfortable with people. She may be instead somewhat of a loner, who’s strength is a feel for nature and all that is in it. She collects rocks, she feeds birds, she studies spider’s webs. Bottom line is she is different from my expectations. Most kids are. But the responsibility of a parent is to love and develop your child to the best of her abilities anyway. So to the best of my abilities I need to let her know that I treasure and value her strengths and yes, that I am also very proud of her when she combines those strengths in ways that develop her weaker side-in this case, her social side. I’m proud because I love her, I respect her differences and yet as a parent I know it will be better for her if she develops many facets of her personality.
When you read, The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) you may begin to recognize how I have woven the Seven Gateways to Happiness into the story. Of course, as even the ‘girl’ in the book needs to walk through all seven to achieve happiness. Next time we will look at the Second Gateway to Happiness: Falling in Love With Ourselves.
