The Holiday Season is beautiful and we all hold on to some precious memories that go with the season. But the Holiday Season is also stressful. As adults, we often live an exhausted life of lists and obligations that go with the season. For some women, particularly moms with children living at home, an exhausting month is finally finished off by little sleep and the patter of little feet very early on Christmas morning. Even for those of us that celebrate simply or observe other traditions, such as Chanakah, the frenzy builds. Nobody wants to forget someone they should have remembered with a card, a present or a phone call. And most of us have certain favorite foods that go with the season. That means extra calories, an outfit that suddenly doesn’t fit right, or the tug of war with the latest batch of Christmas cookies sitting in the kitchen. And we know who usually wins! (The Cookies)
What some of us forget is that the kids have stress also. Particularly in harder times, like now, kids worry about how the season will go down for them and often for their families. Kids hear, know and feel a lot more than we give them credit for. If your family is having money problems, whether you tell them or not, they are most likely aware of the problems. If you and your husband are in disagreement over how to do the holidays, even if you argue behind closed doors, your daughter will be aware of the tension. Some here are a couple of suggestions to lower the stress for your kids:
1. Have a honest, but not overly dramatic or discouraging talk about this year’s decisions around present giving. If everyone will be receiving, say half of what they got two years ago, be honest about it. Discuss this openly and maybe agree on what gifts are the most important for an older child or a teen. If say your daughter really wants an item that is twice what you can afford, see if there is a way to figure out the purchase. Perhaps it can be for both Christmas and her birthday, plus she can take on a chore in the family for a few months that may help you out or even cut some expenses for you.
2. Also, have an honest chat about what you will do and not do for the Holidays. If you are not buying a big tree this year, let them know early so they won’t be disappointed. Perhaps it is the year for a family evening of making home made decorations and stringing popcorn trim? That can be a lot of fun. Also, kids are very creative and if they know that a food budget for a big Christmas gathering must be slimmed down, they will come up with ideas to help do that. For example, they may be willing to bake or help you cook more from scratch, as that usually costs less than packaged foods.
In summary, the important thing kids need is to feel in the loop of making decisions about the Holidays and presents and that they have something of value to offer the family either in terms of ideas or actions.
If you can help them feel valuable and in the loop and make clear that you want a great Holiday also, you will find yourself under less stress and for sure you daughter will feel even better about herself than she expected!
Happy Holidays!
Growing Up Isn’t Easy!
In The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) the girl talks, at times, about not wanting to grow up.
Feelings about not wanting to grow up are common and often not discussed, as kids realize that most of the time parents expect them to want to grow up.
We as adults have often forgotten about how hard it is to move into adolescence. The bodily changes alone, are overwhelming. How many of us suffered with pimples, anxieties about getting our period, and all sorts of other issues? Just about all of us, although these issues may seem very far away now. I remember some mood swings that seemed to come out of the blue when I was 11. Hormones raging through my body, I’m sure didn’t help.
We have to be compassionate and helpful to those young ladies in our lives who are transitioning. Giving advise, and sharing about our own ups and downs as we moved through those years can take the pressure off a lot of what is happening.
The girl in The Truth realizes there are some great things about not being a grown-up yet. For example, she doesn’t have to earn a living. She can focus most of her attention on herself, her school work and other interests. Later in life it is harder to focus on ourselves. Multi-tasking takes over and there is little time for self-development.
At the same time, it is for most of us, a blessing to be part of a family of some sort, and to have a chance to participate in raising children. It is often exciting to work at a job and to have the power to make decisions about the course of our lives.
So really, all stages of life have their benefits and their losses. If we can stay light hearted as we see some of the pluses and minuses and keep a sense of humor, we can have such fun talking to kids about our stage of life as well as listening to the successes and frustrations that our kids feel about their lives.
The simple message is: Keep sharing. Your daughter will grow up even if she doesn’t want to for the moment. Don’t panic. Keep talking and sharing. Laugh and cuddle. Spend time together and give her your wisdom. But…make sure your don’t block out hers! She has wisdom also! Enjoy listening to it.
Boredom – the best thing since sliced bread
Can you believe that Summer vacation is almost over? As the month of August rolls in there are kids who are saying things like, “I’m bored. I have nothing to play with or no one to do stuff with.” It’s common. No matter matter how many games or items someone has. No matter how social someone is. No matter even how busy a person is, people of all ages can still get bored for lots of reasons.
Regardless of your age, the first thing to remember is that you don’t have to be doing something all the time. It’s perfectly fine to have days or just hours when you do absolutely nothing. For most people though, doing nothing equates to being bored. Whatever you call it, having down time where your mind can just wander or not think about anything is very healthy!
Instead of replacing the boredom with the latest and greatest item, try some of these suggestions next time you or someone in your family says, “I’m bored.”
Allow yourself to simply rest without any interruptions.
Give your brain the opportunity to be creative. Sometimes the best ideas happen when you daydream.
If you normally don’t read for pleasure, pick up a book again. And I mean a real, printed book because there is something unique about actually turning paper pages versus touching a button to turn an electronic page.
Call (not text) an old friend you haven’t spoken with in a long time. It’s amazing how connecting with people can give you a positive boost. Too many people today get wrapped up in their virtual world and forget the importance and benefits of actually talking with another human being.
Look through photo albums. Most people still have those even if they are from years ago. Reminiscing is good for the mind, body, and soul.
Make a list of everything you appreciate. If your boredom is from being tired of what you have or what you are doing, taking a look at the good things in your life can help.
Volunteer. Doing something for others without expecting anything in return is very humbling and rewarding. After doing that, you may look at boredom very differently.
Make a bucket list. Many people rush through life so busy that they never take time to enjoy it.
Use your imagination. For kids, this could be pulling out toys from when they were little. A teenager would build something quite different with Tinker Toys or Lincoln Logs than they did when they were four or five. Have family activity night if you don’t already. This doesn’t mean watching TV or everyone playing on their own electronic sitting in the same room. It means doing an activity together.
Enjoy and explore nature. Remember the joke, “He has nothing to do so he’s watching the grass grow?” It’s not as silly as it sounds. If you’ve ever watched a spider spin a web or any other insect do what they naturally do, observing nature can do wonders for boredom. Basically, it’s the same idea as “Stop and smell the roses.”
It seems like the more we have, the easier it is for people get bored and the more likely people are to want more and more.
So try something different and appreciate the boredom occasionally.
Find out more at http://www.thetruthforgirls.com/
You can purchase The Truth at http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Girl-Smart-Know-Everything/dp/0979895200?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1205256246&sr=1-1
The Truth and Secrets
I am adamant about helping girls grow up strong and sure of themselves. The Truth Series and now the second book in the series: SECRETS: You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine… maybe, is my way of addressing some of the dysfunctional messages we all absorb in one way or another growing up. Girls can not always free themselves of the dysfunction that may create damaging messages in their lives. But they can be taught to recognize how special they are and given ways to hold on to the best of themselves. That is what I am busy doing, via fiction, in The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) and now SECRETS.
Helping Our Children Feel Good About Themselves
We have so much influence over the next generation! Lots of times we forget how much influence, as our children or grandchildren can appear to ignore us, forget us or even worse–run from us in one way or another. Sometimes, we must just accept the fact that lots of times positive actions happen without positive recognition! Therefore, it behooves us as the ‘grownups’ in our personal worlds to keep looking for ways to help the young ones experience good times, feel nurtured and loved and to walk away from situations just a little more one the road to developing as a whole person with a good sense of self. I can assure you that insistence on creating a meaningful world for our children does eventually pay off!
I’d like to share with you how Lorna did just that with her daughter Sabrina. Here is some of what she wrote to me:
‘Yesterday afternoon Sabrina, my six year old daughter, was helping me make Chinese sesame cookies for our church’s girls’ club. Sabrina attends weekly club meetings and is always happy to help me out with the snacks for club. These cookies needed to be rolled into little balls and then rolled into sesame seeds. The ‘seeding’ of the cookies was Sabrina’s job. We were halfway through the dough. She was rolling away. Suddenly she said to me without looking up, “This is great! I get to spend quality time with Daddy and now more time with you!”
She was referring to her Sunday evenings alone with her daddy. Sunday evenings at 5:30 pm, I leave and take my 9 year-old son to the boys club at church where I also help with snacks. During the time we are gone, Sabrina and her daddy have a tea party almost every Sunday evening. They turn the lights off, light the candles that I have usually in the center of the table, then boil water, and set the table. There is usually some kind of ‘tea cookie’ (like shortbread) in the pantry. They take those and then serve each other tea and cookies. Sometimes they act silly. e.g. Acting very aloof with flowery language or just simply talking about this and that.
Last Sunday evening I did not have to stay at club until it was over. I got home just in time for the tea party. Sabrina set me a spot at the table. She offered me sugar and cookies. We chatted. She acted a little silly. It was really cute and I was glad I got to peek in on what she and my husband usually do. After I had a couple sips, I slipped away to my office to check email so they could have their usual special time alone.’
Lorna, Sabrina’s mom, is describing such a wonderful activity that lends itself both to building self-esteem and to beautiful positive memories in the future. I can picture Sabrina sharing her tea parties with her daddy years later with her own children!
Exercise: Play Date with a Child in Your Life
Can you think of something special that you could offer a child in your life? You don’t have to be a parent or grandparent. You may know a child down the street, or a cousin or even a friend’s child. A special outing or treat can go a long way to bringing delight to a child.
I remember when my aunt Rose arrived at my cousin’s home with a surprise for me! It was a box in the shape of a treasure chest and it contained some perfume and soaps all designed for a little girl. I was thrilled and felt very special. I can still remember lovingly keeping my treasure chest and eventually filling it with other treasures after I had used all the soaps, lotions and bubble bath. Yes, this treasure chest did make me feel special, very feminine and created a great memory trace.
I know you will have fun with a play date. Keep us posted on what you do.
CHINESE VERSION of THE TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) HANDLES ANXIETY ISSUES THAT KIDS HAVE AS THEY TRANSITION
I think it is interesting to share with you some of the girl’s entries into her diary that are not in the American version of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). Two of her entries are about an anxiety dream she has a several weeks before she starts the seventh grade in a new school, in a new town. Read on to find out what the dream was like, how her mother helped her handle the dream and what she learned about her parent.
Only three more weeks until we go back to school. I had a nightmare last night that I couldn’t find my new classrooms and I ended up back in the hallway that has the first, second and third grade classrooms. My heart was pounding in the dream and I was sweating. I kept running up and down the hallway but I couldn’t find any older kids, only babies, six, seven and eight. I knew I would be the last one to get to my new homeroom and I would look like a fool on the first day of school. No one comes in late on the first day!
Then I finally saw the hallway that goes to the seventh and eighth grade classrooms. But when I tried to reach it, it was like I could hardly move. I just couldn’t get there. I felt myself pulling on my body to move but nothing happened.
Then I woke up. I went in to my mother and father’s room and lay down on the floor with a blanket from my bed. They didn’t even know I was there. I just couldn’t be alone after that dream. I hate dreams like that and that’s the truth.
——————————————————————————————
My mother said I had an anxiety dream and a lot of people do before they have to do something new. I’m glad she told me that. I hope I don’t have anymore anxiety dreams.
She told me a lot of other stuff today. I guess cause I’m getting older. My mother really knows a lot. She should have been a doctor or a teacher. She never went to college but wants me to go.
She told me that she had a choice of being a secretary or working in my Uncle Dan’s clothing store when she finished high school. She chose to become a secretary because my Grandfather said he would pay for her to go to secretarial school.
I asked her if she wanted to go to college. She said that she never thought about it because none of the girls in her family had ever gone to college.
She told me that once her brother said to her, “Edith, you are dumb but beautiful. Don’t worry. That’s ok. It is better than being dumb and not pretty.”
My mother promised herself when I was born that I would get more education than she had. She told me that she has been putting ten dollars a week away since I was born for my college education.
I hope I can really make her proud of me. I know that I’m smart. I hope that I’m pretty. I’m still scared and that really is the truth.
There really are different cognitive stages of growth. Here is an example of one that Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, positive psychologist remembers!
I remember standing on the playground at Stratfield School in Fairfield, Connecticut, as clear as if it’s yesterday. I can almost expect to walk up to the mirror and see the 9 year old girl in the mirror that was me. My hair was medium brown and wavy. I had on oxfords and high socks and a dress with a short jacket over it. It was cool but not freezing out. And I remember saying to myself, “I’m in fourth grade now, and my mind just seems to be working clearer. I understand things so much more easily. I know I am different than when I was in first, second, and third grades. I feel more grown up. I like the way my mind feels.”
As I look back now, I realize I felt and recognized some momentous change had happened in my cognitive functioning. And I can also say without hesitation that the result was a feeling of pleasure.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist discusses our influence over the next generation, even when we think they are ignoring us!
Lots of times we forget how much influence, as our children or grandchildren can appear to ignore us, forget us or even worse–run from us in one way or another. But we really do have so much influence over the next generation. Sometimes, we must just accept the fact that lots of times positive actions happen without positive recognition! Therefore, it behooves us as the ‘grownups’ in our personal worlds to keep looking for ways to help the young ones experience good times, feel nurtured and loved and to walk away from situations just a little more one the road to developing as a whole person with a good sense of self. I can assure you that insistence on creating a meaningful world for our children does eventually pay off!
I’d like to share with you how Lorna did just that with her daughter Sabrina. Here is some of what she wrote to me:
‘Yesterday afternoon Sabrina, my six year old daughter, was helping me make Chinese sesame cookies for our church’s girls’ club. Sabrina attends weekly club meetings and is always happy to help me out with the snacks for club. These cookies needed to be rolled into little balls and then rolled into sesame seeds. The ‘seeding’ of the cookies was Sabrina’s job. We were halfway through the dough. She was rolling away. Suddenly she said to me without looking up, “This is great! I get to spend quality time with Daddy and now more time with you!”
She was referring to her Sunday evenings alone with her daddy. Sunday evenings at 5:30 pm, I leave and take my 9 year-old son to the boys club at church where I also help with snacks. During the time we are gone, Sabrina and her daddy have a tea party almost every Sunday evening. They turn the lights off, light the candles that I have usually in the center of the table, then boil water, and set the table. There is usually some kind of ‘tea cookie’ (like shortbread) in the pantry. They take those and then serve each other tea and cookies. Sometimes they act silly. e.g. Acting very aloof with flowery language or just simply talking about this and that.
Last Sunday evening I did not have to stay at club until it was over. I got home just in time for the tea party. Sabrina set me a spot at the table. She offered me sugar and cookies. We chatted. She acted a little silly. It was really cute and I was glad I got to peek in on what she and my husband usually do. After I had a couple sips, I slipped away to my office to check email so they could have their usual special time alone.’
Lorna, Sabrina’s mom, is describing such a wonderful activity that lends itself both to building self-esteem and to beautiful positive memories in the future. I can picture Sabrina sharing her tea parties with her daddy years later with her own children!
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, Positive Psychologist, talks about how she recognized the extreme importance of Girlhood in terms of Women’s Development
Let’s look at the end of the poem from page 169, from my first book, The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy: “Come my friend, my nurturer, my shadow, my knowledge of how whole I can be.” Who is that friend? Who is that nurturer? Who is that shadow? Many years of practicing as a psychologist, have convinced me that, that nurturer, that shadow is our earlier selves. Often it is that self which existed inside ourselves between the ages of 8 and 12. We know that for many girls, 8-12 is a period of soaring, when girls feel competent and so sure of themselves.
If you know girls that age, you know how talented they are. They can and do everything. They also often have special private times, keeping diaries, or sharing intimate thoughts with best girlfriends. However, the teenage years do not always encourage or keep girls thriving emotionally and intellectually. The social and hormonal pressures of growing up block the earlier talents and potential. Adolescent years can be very hard on girls and many a woman finds herself no longer in touch with her earlier talents, strengths, potential or what makes her happy.
I began to realize that my next psychological assignment was to bring the girl inside of ourselves back to life.
I began to develop a companionship with the 10 year old inside myself. I began to realize that as an adult woman that I was disappointing her. I was not as confident or daring as I had promised myself I would be. Some of my poor decisions had restricted and limited the scope of my potential and opportunities. The girl I had been had known that the world could be her oyster. She wasn’t much afraid of anything and also had a lot of inner wisdom. She was resilient and determined. She had faith in me-the adult she would become someday.
Barbara Becker Holstein At the Girl Scout meeting in Ocean Township
Barbara Becker Holstein At the Girl Scout meeting in Ocean Township a couple of weeks ago, the girls and their mom’s really enjoyed dividing up into groups and discussing different topics generated by The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything). I think they most enjoyed issues around moving and also family relationships. Here is what one girl said would most concern her about moving: 1. making new friends, 2. what I would have to leave behind, and 3. getting used to new things. 
Family Relationship Award of Excellence